day ??

not counting the days too well (suggests I'm not actually writing a diary post every day. no surprises there...)

a guy I know has written a play and I fell in love with this one phrase:

"how to wait without caring"

the honest exposure of our attempts towards nonchalant impatience. very nice. a round of applause for Mr Paul Barker please.

I love it when an artist or a writer or a performance offers you a mirror.

scaffolding

sports bras are a miracle mix of science and fashion.

step in the right direction

i resigned from something today. there are still a few details to work out, but it might mean that I don't wake up at 5am tomorrow with knots in my stomach.

I would like to wake up with knots in my stomach of excitement and expectation. over something that fills me with joy and delight. like a special trip. or a boyfriend. or my birthday or Christmas...

day 4

ok so I skipped a day. today was minimal falter and almost no fall. But it still lacked the glory, the silver lining of his presence.

I caught a glimpse of it last night. I counseled a friend that what he needed most was to be the most 'him' he could be and that made sense. There was the flicker of deep calling to deep where something inside him said "yes, that is my desire and my purpose and that is where fulfillment lies."

Another day I might get to tell him that only Jesus makes that possible. And that you are most yourself when you gaze upon the one who knows you inside out and exchange his life for yours.

See: the theology is all still there. It's just been a bit quiet of late.

magic type

because I'm using an old firefox browser on what is rapidly becoming an old imac, my not very fast typing sills are still way faster than the wysiwyg interface for blogger.

so the letters appear a little slowly after I've t y p e d them.

It's a bit like magic and bizarrely pretty.

day 2

So instead of a good night's sleep and getting up early, I lay awake until almost 5 and then drifted off for a bit in time to wake up, go to work and feel lousy all day.

i cried at lunchtime and a lovely friend of mine had to come find me and comfort me.

She told me I should think positive things.

Someone else said a similar thing yesterday and it sounds like really good advice. But I don't think it's good enough.

I think that 'positive thinking' is about trying to persuade yourself to blinker yourself to the crap. And that's not enough. The way forward has to be to see the crap, and own up to it and say that it is there.

And to cry if needs be.

But to somehow see that God is there and is real and no pile of crap however big can hide that.

day 1

my room is a mess.

it has been since I moved in here 2 months ago.

I don't actually like mess all that much. which makes my room is a good example of my noticeable lack of self-discipline.

I hope to change. so I will set my alarm for 7am and see if I manage to get up. that could be the breakthrough I've been hoping for.

today I googled...

Wanted: new life